Something was eating me up inside and I felt as though I was losing control. No matter how hard I tried to stop my behaviour, I couldn’t… because it was masking my pain. Anything that masks the pain is good, right? No. Emotional responses are messages that something isn’t right.
I kept repeating the same patterns and lived a poor quality of existence. There was no off switch. Why couldn’t I change the behaviour? Why couldn’t I communicate what I was going through to the people who meant the most to me? If the mask and cape were a superhero its name would be ‘pride’.
There are two parts to the dictionary definition of ‘pride’ that mean something to my story:
- A feeling of deep satisfaction and pleasure derived from one’s own achievements
- Consciousness of one’s own dignity
Achievement Isn’t Everything
Achievement was vital to my survival. I didn’t think I could survive without achieving something great. I had been born into this story that unless you do great you can’t be great, and if you can’t be great, there’s no true meaning for your life.
If I wasn’t great, then who was I? For all of my adult years, as far back as late teens, this painful experience tugged at my very identity and existence.
When Having it All Isn’t Enough
Once I had it all. I built an empire. Houses, car, career, skills and abilities that many didn’t – and a great job. Until I didn’t. Eventually, layers upon layers of material possessions were extinguished from my life. I felt raw, sad and lost.
I was grieving. What do you do when you are grieving? Well, you can bury your head in the sand and