It seems to me that conversation is perhaps the most overlooked source of learning. What can be revealed in conversations to really listen deeply to what you’re saying to yourself, as well as others. Perhaps the least enjoyable conversation we have with ourselves is the one where we define our worth, and our self-esteem. We’re constantly in conversation with ourselves and while we’re mostly aware we’re doing this, we tend to tuck them away because the judging messages are very uncomfortable. So many of our private conversations carry on in the background unnoticed. They influence our emotions, they shape our experiences and our way of going about life. Allowing yourself to hear what it is you’re saying, and what you’re experiencing physically is one component of intuitive learning. Therefore the most important conversation you will have is the one you have with yourself.
The strength of your relationship with yourself reflects the strength of your relationships with others
Even if you are not aware, you are always having a conversation with yourself about something. This activity carries on all day. Not necessarily serving you. Rather than pushing them away I’m challenging you to listen to yourself as a learner. Either you go on ignoring your internal conversations or you decide to be a curious, self compassionate, forgiving and accepting learner.
You know those times when you realise you’ve been drifting off into your thoughts, and you’re not sure when that started? When your focus shifts and before long you’re back to telling yourself you’re not good enough, smart enough or something else enough?
Two things are happening here:
- You’re listening from your ‘shaped’ world view
- The conversations you have are on automatic pilot – running out of awareness
Due to this unawareness our conversations often hold self-perpetuating judgments. Sometimes carrying on for years…longer than you would care to remember!
Meaning Making ~ Conversation
One way we make sense of the world is through language, listening and speaking. Where we are forming world views, deciding, planning, dreaming, and envisioning our life and purpose. Therefore the conversations we have are absolutely necessary for us to progress.
Yet there’s an elephant in the room blocking our view. While many of us do a very good job carrying on in conversation planning away, some of us continue to hold the imposter syndrome. As a result of poor listening we don’t challenge our held assumptions, therefore they stop us in our tracks and paralyse us from living a full and purposeful life. Additionally because they are full of self-judgment and doubt, they shape the relationship we have with others, consequently influencing how and what conversations to have.
Interpreting Experience ~ Conversation
It makes sense that as we continually make interpretations we form personal ‘truths’ about ourselves. We learn to do that. We’re taught to judge and discriminate. And by the way this is exactly how we learn about what and how to judge and form standards, and shape our opinions. Whether you like yourself or not has everything to do with your learning experiences . And since we’re on the subject, while we’re learning about ourselves we learn about what we can expect from others.
Lets say I don’t believe I’m smart. There’s a good chance this opinion I hold of myself prevents me from taking certain actions, and a strong chance I start to say things like “I haven’t got what it takes” or “I won’t be good enough”.
Why is it that two people with the same skills and talent can approach life so differently? Person one just does it and person two struggles to get off the blocks. Both person one and two have internal conversations. One says I can be successful and the other says, I’m not good enough. Person two’s narrative, their internal story of themselves is developed from interpreting their self-worth differently to person one. Neither of these interpretations are the truth. They are just interpretations!
Narratives Of Pain ~ Conversation
Personal narratives are those ongoing stories we believe so adamantly about ourselves can be so painful. As a consequence as person two runs the narrative that they are not good enough, they believe it. And while we’re talking about pain, once you experience it you embody it. This is a perpetual mind, emotion and body connection. With our narratives at the core of our very being. The narratives block the possibility to change behaviour, and the patterns we’ve formed over the years continue uncomfortably within us. At the core of who we have become we have these ‘core self-assessments’ which conserve how we behave.
Core Self-Assessment ~ Conversation
Core self-assessments go something like this…
- Good enough
- Smart enough
- Pretty enough
- Confident enough
- Savvy enough
- Interesting enough
The words on their own can be easily identified in our conversations by listening carefully. However these fundamentally believed core self-assessments are often scattered throughout or stories and our stories are the conversations we have with ourselves and with others. Lets face it, women love to tell stories, they love to hold conversations and share their pain with other women or anyone who will listen, and they’re really good at downplaying their worth. One reason for this is so they don’t stand out against their peers. It seems mandatory to let others know these things about us are fundamentally ‘us’ and when we do this, we speak as though they can’t change.
In many circumstances these conversations run go unnoticed. Ask yourself this…
If you noticed would you stop?
Conserving ~ Conversation
Sometimes it’s important to maintain what is. That’s great when you really want something to stay the same. However, when you talk something into existence because it’s comfortable to conserve happy and harmonious relationships, there may be little room for transformation. Therefore no matter how much positive thinking or struggle and strive we do to gain some result or change some behaviour, while we believe what our internal voice tells us, we will continue to experience life as an imposter. We will not experience ourselves fully in our own body. Outwardly we may not agree or we might convince ourselves we are going along swimmingly. We have to just get on with life right?
What’s really important in conversations is that we take in the right emotional state. Our moods shape the outcome of every conversation. In this FREE handy guide I help you learn more about your emotions and moods states. You will be surprised at the positive impact shifting your mood will have on the conversation.
How Are You Prepared To Listen?
I hear so many women tell me how stressed, scared, anxious and sad they are that they are not living their full purpose.
Firstly, if you don’t know what’s getting in the way of life decisions, you won’t know what to do to change that. Secondly, tuning into your conversations will guide you toward transforming your core self-assessments. It’s not the only way, but it is a start.
Here are three questions you can start asking yourself…
- What am I saying about myself that’s getting in the way of me doing ‘X’?
- Is it possible I hold a particular core self-assessment?
- How is this assessment serving me?
To dispute them they cannot be ignored. You must listen, tune in, be present and curious about the source of this assessment – non judgmentally.
Positive Versus Negative Core Self-Assessments
There is always some way core self-assessments serve us. They can be self-protecting or self-serving. What if your story begins with…“I’m a confident, strong and smart woman”. How might that assessment serve you? On the other hand, what if your story begins with…“I’m not confident and I’m hopeless at public speaking”. Now imagine what the rest of the story is, and ask yourself…how does that core assessment serve me, or protect me from harm? Because that’s what’s happening here – the protection is how we go on living a fear based life.
From Acceptance To Ambition For Change
We all hold core self-assessments and acceptance is not surrendering. In fact, it is where the learning begins. Even if you agree it will no longer serve you, without acceptance that you’ve held that belief in the past there is little possibility for change because you’ll judge the judgment! Here are some things you can do…
- Don’t ignore what will continue to eat away at you
- Accept that they are assessments – not facts
- Challenge them – they are not fundamentally you
- Ask yourself where and when in your life you began to believe this about yourself
When things change for you personally they also change your relationships.
In the midst of life and the demands of everyday living there is increasing uncertainty in which can arise the desire to do more than simply survive. This email course is for women to who want to explore what it means to experience personal empowerment and shift beyond what currently is.
Grab the guide so you can begin to switch the mood and tone of the conversation you have with yourself
I wish the best of care for you this day and every day.
Do you have any questions? Comments? Insights? I’m here to listen! Let’s chat below.
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