I attended a professional development workshop in Australia few years ago called ‘Conversational Technology’ by Newfield Institute. The focus of the workshop was on the power of relationships in our everyday lives.
We learned to use powerful conversations to make and manage our commitments in life and in business.
One of my most profound experiential learning experiences of the conference was the realisation that we must take full responsibility in all our relationships.
Responsibility must start with our internal relationship with ourselves if we want to live life as self-authoring adults. The further along we head toward a self-authoring life, the more mature we behave in our relationships with others.
Behaving with maturity in our relationships positively influences our capacity to live self-authored lives.
Yet, if we rarely stop to observe our behavior and take responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts, chances are we inhibit our personal growth… and the possibility to have rich, meaningful relationships with others.
Since humans are conversational beings, conversational actions are crucial to living well together. Every conversational action we take starts in our own backyard.
This blog post has been written on the premise that when you participate in life as a self-reflecting learner you are more likely to change any behavior that no longer serves you.
You’ll become empowered by your own internal learning… and the more you observe, the less you will be enslaved by the judgments or opinions of others. I’m not just talking about others as individuals – I mean organisations, institutions, social media platforms, and any other mechanism we use and engage in to go about our daily lives.
I’ve put together these 10 habits of self-authoring women to give you the tools which will enable you to take full responsibility for your self-authoring life.
10 Habits Of Self Authoring Women
1. Take Responsibility As The Creator Of Your Feelings And Thoughts
Making sweeping statements such as, “I can’t handle this”, “You make me feel…”, “That made me feel…”, “I’m can’t cope with…”, or “You did ‘X’ to me” is the language of blame – external blame!
They revoke personal responsibility from you as the creator of your thoughts, feelings, and the generator of your reality. This language increases the likelihood that you won’t cope.
The more you use this type of language, the longer it will continue to create this self-perpetuating reality. Your thoughts about any situation are unique to you. No one else thinks and feels exactly the same as you, and no one can shape how you choose to think, feel, and experience your world.
Denying responsibility for personal contribution to relationships and other life breakdowns positions us as victims. I’m talking about micro-conversational breakdowns we have with ourselves and with others.
Our thoughts turn into stories… and our stories carry on throughout our lives and shape the way we view the world. As contributors to our own reality, we must take responsibility for the part we play.
I’m not negating events that may have taken place out of our control. However, I am suggesting that in most cases, as a self-authoring adult, our interpretation of past events no longer needs to enslave, punish, or control us.
The relationship we have with ourselves can be empowering. The conversation gives us the empowerment to choose, evolve and shape in positive ways, and interact with the world.
Ask yourself this .. ‘How might I be contributing to the breakdown in this relationship?’
2. Be Guided By Your Own Vision
Future life circumstances are our personal responsibility. It’s our life to create everything we want to create.
When we focus on the demands and authority of others to shape our future, there is a big possibility we will be out of alignment with our own core values.
Take care when you invest time and money into projects. If you sense, or there’s evidence that something is not quite right for you, then you should listen. That’s your intuition speaking to you.
If you’re going into business for yourself, be very clear about your why. Why this business idea burns deep into your heart and soul and why you are the best person to do what you want to do.
You can’t rely on others to tell you what to do and how to do it. Even when you find experts, think long and hard about giving others authority over decisions for your future. Give serious consideration to who you ask and what you ask them for.
Humans are concerned beings and we’re really good at sharing our concerns and giving advice. Most of us don’t like to see people suffer, and we’re often quick to find solutions to other people’s problems.
In every conversation, make sure you listen to your gut feeling and your intuition. Above all else, you can rely on these to guide you. It’s very easy to allow others to cloud your intuition so much so that you forget to listen to it! Taking on the perspective of another well-meaning person doesn’t always serve us with what we want to create in the future.
Give others a voice without giving them authority by listening to your own intuition
3. Your Gut Feelings Are There For a Reason
Practice tuning into your intuition as an exercise to self-adjust your thoughts and feelings back to what you know is best for you – that’s what self-authoring people do. They regularly self-adjust and they don’t allow others peoples’ opinions to get in the way of them living self-authoring lives.
Ask yourself: ‘How is this perspective, or this advice, going to serve me for what I want for my future?’
3. Think About The Recurring Breakdowns In Your Life As Opportunities To Learn
We’ve all heard the saying: ‘Life is a journey, not a destination.’ Life learning is the journey. Making constant adjustments by observing events is a wonderful opportunity to tap into your inbuilt learning resources.
When you look at life this way, you will allow space to make mistakes and decline offers and decisions that don’t serve you. By doing this you’ll begin to take responsibility for your decisions so you can continue to self-adjust in the flow of your life.
If we’re to be learners, the language of possibility always serves our learning journey much more than the language of obligation. Here is the difference:
Language of Obligation
I have to…
Language of Possibility
I’m curious about…
How might I be observing this?
What might I be missing here?
The language of possibility opens up spaces to learn and grow and change.
The language of obligation, while it can be useful at times, can be self-criticising and causes us to be stuck in the problem. This makes it difficult to find ways to analyse, critique, and observe how you’re going about your breakdowns… and how to self-adjust, because you can get stuck in the judgement.
Consider the recurrent breakdowns you find yourself in. One that tends to happen over and over again. Consider what’s going on with you that you’re struggling to find ways to turn the breakdown into a breakthrough?
Using the language of possibility will position you as a better learner and enable you to find your own solutions to your own breakdowns. It enables you to step back, observe, and take actions away from the habitual way of currently organising and going about living that hasn’t been working for you.
4. Declare A New Future For Yourself By Considering Horizons Of Possibilities
Declarations change the future in positive or negative ways. Declarations can shape a new path, one where you no longer allow yourself to be stuck in old patterns of behaviour, doing the same thing that hasn’t served you, time and time again.
Here are some ways you can begin to declare a different future…
I will no longer…x, y, z
I will now…x, y, z
I am the author of my own life
I will self-author my life
Declarations are very personal. They come about by observing something in your past that you want to declare over.
Declarations should very clearly state how you want to move forward into your future. They occur during profoundly difficult breakdowns and opportunities for learning.
This is the key to declarations. When you observe the shadows of your past and decide you no longer want to live life in a particular way, you’re more likely to make solid declarations from a body of legitimacy.
In other words, you legitimise yourself as a worthy human being and declare a new future for yourself when something no longer serves you. From this moment on, as you make your declaration from a solid body of legitimacy you b